您当前的位置:江博教育> 文书解析>文书解析 | 真诚还是卖惨?文书有分寸,创作有尺度

文书解析 | 真诚还是卖惨?文书有分寸,创作有尺度

2020-05-11 10:28:55 来源:江博教育 作者:江博教育

悲情营销肆虐,是否该在文书中卖惨?你或许对此表示不屑。但是当你面对common essay题目的拷问:“你遇到过任何阻碍、挑战、挫折、失败、窘境么?”,又不禁口嫌体正,努力回顾往昔。沉默片刻,很多人会果决的说“我没有”。真的么?我分明看到你眼中的迟疑和闪烁。是害怕你的不完美为人所知么?还是担心你的故事不够分量?


其实人生是没有可比性的。何不重新审视“卖惨”二字?把它调整到“真诚”和“谦虚”的刻度。没有哪个人的人生是毫无波澜的,成长路径必定是一条曲线,而非坦途。像本文的作者一样,去找到到心电图上那一次最大的波动吧,用今天成熟的目光去审视当初的自己。不掩饰自己的瑕疵,不夸大自己遭遇。不为赚取他人的眼泪,只记录人生起飞之点滴。


CommonEssay Sample:

Byanonymous author (admitted by Emory University)


Growingup with a stutter was difficult. My thoughts were always fullyformed, but the words would get stuck. The harder I tried to forcethem out, the more they would jam up, like train cars going off atrack. Sometimes kids would laugh or make fun of my stutter, butmostly they just ignored me. They had better things to do than waitto hear my ideas, so they assumed I had none worth hearing.Eventually, I gave up talking to people entirely. They thought I wasstupid, and, soon enough, I thought so too.


Myparents signed me up to play soccer in the hopes that being part of ateam would help me make friends. I wasn’t particularly athletic,and I could barely kick a ball. But soccer is a game anyone can play.On the field, my stutter didn’t matter. I discovered that I couldlead, quietly, through action, rather than words. Eventually, speechtherapy resolved by stutter, but it was on the soccer field that Ilearned how to be me.


Oneof my teammates had a brother with Down Syndrome. Every season, hecame to our games to watch from the sidelines. He had cleats and aball that he kicked around by himself, but because he also had anintellectual disability, there was no room for him on our team oranywhere else. I realized that although soccer is a sport foreveryone, not everyone is included in the sport. I understood thepain of being excluded simply because of an inability to communicate.So, in February of 2015, I launched GOALS (Giving Opportunities toAll who Love Soccer), a unified soccer program for kids with andwithout special needs. GOALS partners youth athletes who haveintellectual disabilities with neurotypical peer buddies. Theathletes and buddies play together, as unified pairs, in small-sided,non-competitive scrimmages.


Thefirst GOALS program had just nine participants. Today, we hold GOALSevents twice a month for fifty players of all abilities. GOALS hasimpacted over 400 kids and is now an official partner of SpecialOlympics Arizona. But I don’t measure the success of GOALS by thenumbers. Success comes in the form of an athlete like Josh*, who camereluctantly to his first GOALS event, having never tried sportsbefore, preferring instead to play video games by himself. Josh wassurprised to find that he loves soccer, and he looks forward toplaying with his friends at every GOALS event, where his diagnosis ofautism doesn’t define him.


Whatmakes GOALS special is that it is not a community service program forkids with intellectual disabilities. GOALS is a program that servesthe entire community, understanding that our community includespeople of all abilities. GOALS champions people for what they bringto the community, rather than defining them by what they take. GOALSbreaks down the barriers that separate kids with special needs fromtheir neurotypical peers, creating intentional connections that allowtrue friendships to develop. For many kids, GOALS is the first timethey experience genuine acceptance.


Throughsports, we have the capacity to create something better thantolerance. Tolerance is for summer heat, visits to the doctor’soffice, and lines at the bank. People, though, deserve more thantolerance. People deserve acceptance. So often, kids withintellectual disabilities are isolated socially, for no other reasonthan that kids pass them by. But special needs kids can be incrediblysmart and talented. We just need to slow down long enough to get toknow them. Some need more time to turn their ideas into words, but wecan afford to have those slower conversations. That is why, for me,unified sports will be a lifelong passion. Through sports, anyone cancommunicate that each of us is valued, each of us is a part of thetime, and each of us is a friend worth having.



一  :  生词


1.Down Syndrome 唐氏综合症

2.scrimmage /ˈskrɪmɪdʒ/  n. 混战;并列争球

3.cleat  /kliːt/  n. 栓;小木桩,金属桩;(鞋底等的)防滑钉;(船上的)系索耳,羊角;防滑楔;


二 :语言解析


1.The harder I tried to force them out, the more they would jam up, like train cars going off a track.


将说不出的话比喻为拥堵的车辆,使看不见的事物有生动的形象。


2.“Sometimes kids would laugh or make fun of my stutter, but mostly they just ignored me. They had better things to do than wait to hear my ideas, so they assumed I had none worth hearing...They thought I was stupid, and, soon enough, I thought so too.”


所谓的“比惨”来了。作者描写人生的低谷,并不单单是为了引起同情,而是让人看到自己的反弹能力。同时,也为随机产生的同理心、思想变化和积极行为提供合理的动机。与其说是卖惨,不如说是真诚的面对自己和生活。


3.My parents signed me up to play soccer in the hopes that being part of a team would help me make friends. I wasn’t particularly athletic, and I could barely kick a ball. But soccer is a game anyone can play. On the field, my stutter didn’t matter. I discovered that I could lead, quietly, through action, rather than words. Eventually, speech therapy resolved by stutter, but it was on the soccer field that I learned how to be me.


本篇文章使用的语言比较平实,鲜有华丽的辞藻和修饰。这一段我们值得借鉴的是情节发展方式和文字分配的比重。前文欲扬先抑,作者描述了自己的困境。后文必然要过度到自己逐渐打开枷锁的过程。本段利落、合理地转移了场景,之后直接跳脱到自个人在新环境中的成长。这样看似简单的安排,实则富含多种功能。


4.“One of my teammates had a brother with Down Syndrome...I understood the pain of being excluded simply because of an inability to communicate.” 和“Josh was surprised to find that he loves soccer...where his diagnosis of autism doesn’t define him.”


为何作者能理解别人的痛苦?前文类似的经历已然说明一切。而且,不会让文章中其他人的故事喧宾夺主。


5.“I launched GOALS (Giving Opportunities to All who Love Soccer), a unified soccer program for kids with and without special needs. GOALS partners youth athletes who have intellectual disabilities with neurotypical peer buddies.”


很多学生希望呈现一个有能力、有干劲儿、能服众的领导者形象。只交代今生,不谈前世。就这篇文章而言,作者单纯的发起GOALS并不能代表什么,但是把前提交代一下,即作者之前被边缘化的境遇,你会为作者这份成长毫不犹豫的鼓掌喝彩。我们要强调的是成长的跨度,而不是成长的结果。


6.GOALS has impacted over 400 kids and is now an official partner of Special Olympics Arizona. But I don’t measure the success of GOALS by the numbers...


如果你有具体的数据来证明自己的成功和影响力,恭喜你!证明你真的做到了。但是直白的写到文书里,会不会有自夸之嫌呢?小清新的文风忽然油腻起来。作者的处理方式不妨学习一下。不经意间告诉你自己的骄人成果,却一转话锋,再次打出感情牌。


7.Success comes in the form of an athlete like Josh*, who came reluctantly to his first GOALS event, having never tried sports before, preferring instead to play video games by himself. Josh was surprised to find that he loves soccer, and he looks forward to playing with his friends at every GOALS event, where his diagnosis of autism doesn’t define him.


美本申请文书是一场文艺复兴,崇尚人本思想。所以作者告诉你,一个活动真正的成功,不是冰冷的数字来判断的,再大的规模也抵不过一个可怜孩子嘴角泛起的笑意。作者此处的真诚,想必也回答了很多人的疑问:“如何判断我的活动是否成功?”或者“身为一个领导者,我影响多少人才合适?”


8.Through sports... People, though, deserve more than tolerance.


很多人喜欢用体育活动做为背景,突出个人成长和领导力。但是招生官想要看到的不仅仅是竞技中的输赢、个人身体素质和毅力的提高、或是一场比赛的过程,而是通过“agame anyone can play”,看到你得到了什么不一样的启示?以体育为介质,你能爆发出怎样的影响力?


特别鸣谢江博留学文书顾问王莹老师


下一篇文章:返回列表

最新开班课程