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范文分析:华大圣路易斯录取

2017-06-01 13:39:08 来源:江博教育 作者:江博教育

I won my school’s Pickleball tournament in tenth grade. How many National Merit Semi-Finalists can say that?

What? That’s not enough to set me apart in the massive pile of applications? Well, maybe I hold the world record for most snow cones eaten in the summer of 2004, or the record for most piggy back rides given as a camp counselor. I’ll have to double check on those. Academically, I’m valedictorian of my class. My sixth grade graduating class, that is. I gave a speech and everything.

Well, perhaps my work with autistic children would set me apart. Has anyone else mentioned being stabbed in the eye with a plastic zebra? (Fear not, my eyesight fully recovered a few minutes later.) Aside from that incident, the experience I had volunteering in a special education classroom has motivated me to pursue autism studies at a graduate and post-graduate level. I want to solve autism’s puzzles. I want to research, to discover, and to cure. I want to make my mark in one of science’s most fascinating and mysterious fields.

I only failed my driving test once.

I’ve won awards for placing seventh nationally in the Grand Concours National French Exam, but I’m also building my Spanish vocabulary by watching soap operas on Telemundo. “Como puede llegarme, Consuelo?” That’s academic initiative.

How about wanting to change the world? I’ve been active in my school’s chapter of Amnesty International, I petitioned local government to support amendment of the Fair Labor Standards Act to protect youth workers, and my peers know never to challenge me in a debate over gay rights.

Also, two of my best friends have webbed toes. I don’t know whether or not that means I get along best with people who are part duck, but it’s an interesting coincidence.

Maybe, in order to stand out, I should focus on awards and other honors. I won the Brown University Book Award, and I also won the “Streaker” award for a particularly unattractive tan line at a recent camp. Plus, I was inducted into the National Honor Society around the time someone titled me the “least aggravating person in the world.”

In the end, I could describe dozens of things that would suggest unique motivation, interests, or personality traits. However, I think the best representation of myself cannot be restricted to five hundred typed words. Perhaps I’ve scribbled in more correct bubbles on my standardized tests than some, but I think my biggest accomplishment is the confidence I’ve built in my entire person. I haven’t spent my life trying to be a student at an elite university, I’ve spent it trying to be the best, most well-rounded person I can be. I hope, in the long run, that this is what will truly set me apart.

推荐原因

全文幽默感十足,用很不经意的方式把自己的经历讲述出来了,这需要巧妙地构思另外,如何把个人特点点滴拼接手段铺陈展示值得好好研究学习。

文书点评

1. 语言上幽默感贯穿始终,这是一种表现形式,也是一种性格特点;

2. 结构上层层推进逻辑清晰,由次要信息到重要信息逐步展示

3. 内容上展示全面,主线清楚明了看似件件都无关,实则相互联系。

文章最大的特点就是幽默感十足。以反问句的形式开篇,把自己所获得的被大众所高度熟知或关注的学校运动奖项最高荣誉全美优秀奖学金竞赛半决赛者相提并论,可见学生幽默指数之但也相当有效地展现了他的优秀。第二段整段都是一些让人看了不禁捧腹的描写虽然搞笑的模式,但是表达了作者想说明的全方位“优秀”的特点。包括第三段被塑料玩具戳到眼睛小事故让普通的志愿者活动展现了不一样的画风,本以为上升到学术兴趣和追求的层面了,突然出现的I only failed my driving test once”让招生官的笑神经又被扯了一下有点调侃的感觉像是在说你们看,像我这样厉害的人也经历了考驾照失败的惨淡,但还好只有一次。然后再到第七段关于蹼趾小伙伴说明,“who are part duck”形象搞笑的形容蹼趾的特点,后面跟着的it’s an interesting coincidence大有深意。

文章中贯穿始终的两个词是“I won…”“set me apart”,分别出现了43更明确了作者想要通过自己的表述使自己优秀完胜其他申请者。获得的奖励荣誉Pickleball tournamentNational Merit Semi-FinalistsGrand Concours National French ExamBrown University Book AwardNational Honor Society)以时间为基准从前到后难度上呈递升趋势涵盖学术、兴趣、特长等方面,关注的人和事涉及各类弱势群体autistic childrenAmnesty Internationalyouth workersgay rights,既表现了他超群的学习能力和成长的全面性,又说明了博爱之心同理心。他的这些特点为什么他最好的朋友是容易被人嘲笑的蹼趾患者有着千丝万缕的关系

文章的内容上如果只是停留在文字表面的自内容就大错特错了,作者实则以自嘲的方式在告诉招生官他的理想很远大,他的目标绝不功力虽然参加了各类全国顶级的评比并获得了荣誉称号,但这些高大上的经历并未使他只知学术忽视生活。他热爱生活——观看肥皂剧培养语言爱好;挑战不公现象——接纳不同交到特别挚友;他弱势群体——接触自闭症患者确定了学术目标。作者在文章的末尾段才真正点出他所做的一切、所选择的一切都是为了说明就读于一所顶尖的学校并非目的而是手段,已经很优秀还会更优秀这般自信学生成绩优异、发展全面的学生怎么能够不打动招生官呢。

语言分析

词汇

Tournament: 比赛锦标,也可matchgame替代,而tournament更倾向于通过层层比赛最后夺魁的结果

Valedictorian: 致告别词学生代表,相比于speakerspeechmaker它具备优秀代表优秀毕业生的意思

Initiative: 作为名词主动权;第一步;倡议的意思,文中表示最初的动力,drivelead能说明启发性

Petition: 请愿、诉求,政府机构和人提出请求中带有合理性的意味request讨好的成分,plead申辩、开脱的意思

Title sb: 授予……称号,常用于荣誉、头衔等,name sb/sth一般用于人、动物或地方的名字,如name my sister Lily.

Snow cones: 地道的冰激凌筒的说法,也可以说ice cream cone我们常说的ice cream这是的部分

Soap operas: 地道的肥皂剧电视剧说法一般为没有深度、只求一笑长篇电视剧,也可TV series

句子

I want to solve autism’s puzzles. I want to research, to discover, and to cure. I want to make my mark in one of science’s most fascinating and mysterious fields.

三句话都I want to do开始,形成排比Parallelism三个句子在深度上也不断延伸解决目前对于该问题的疑问——通过研究解决问题——最后在该领域创造自己的价值同样第二句子里也有递进法(Climax的修辞手法,researchdiscovercure难度是越来越大,目标越来越高

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