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【范文】约翰霍普金斯大学录取范文!

2019-06-08 16:55:12 来源:江博教育 作者:江博教育

 每年约翰霍普金斯大学都会官方发布一些优秀录取文书供申请者参考。今天特邀,江博留学文书专家,选取今年新发布的一篇录取范文,给大家带来独家解析。这么细致独到的解析,千万不要错过哦!

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Admissions Committee Comments

招生官评语

Rachel describes how she mastered the values of hard work and persistence through experiences of loss and frustration at the hand of her mother’s stellar gaming skills. In her essay, we learn about her character growth and determination. Applying these strategies to other areas of her life, Rachel demonstrates an ability to connect lessons, learn from others, and take on challenges—all important aspects of the college experience.

 

本文通过讲述作者如何于其母下棋,并在自己技不如人的情况下所经历的懊恼、挣扎,从而领悟到勤奋与坚持的宝贵。读者可于字里行间见证作者的成长过程与决心。不仅如此,作者多次举例论证其如何将在下棋中领会到的真谛应用于学习课堂知识、向他人学习、以及如何接受新挑战;此间所经历的每一项历练都是日后在大学生活中所必不可少的。

 

范文原文

 

 

Learning How to Play

 

The first board game I ever played was Disney Princess Monopoly against my mother. It was a shocking experience. My otherwise loving and compassionate mother played to win. Though she patiently explained her strategies throughout the game, she refused to show me any mercy, accumulating one monopoly after another, building house after house, hotel after hotel, and collecting all my money until I was bankrupt, despite my pleas and tears that I was her daughter and only five years old. I remember clearly the pain I felt from losing, but I remained eager to play and determined to one day beat her. Eventually, we left the princesses behind and graduated to the regular, then the deluxe, editions of Monopoly, and expanded to Rummikub. Every time we played, I carefully observed my mother’s moves and habits while considering my own options. Over the years, she continued to beat me in both games, but the contests became more competitive and my losses more narrow. Finally, at twelve, I won for the first time, at Rummikub no less, a game at which she claimed to be undefeated! I felt an overwhelming sense of pride, which was only magnified when I saw the same emotion in my mother’s face.

I learned so much from these games beyond the obvious. I learned how to lose, and win, graciously. I learned to enjoy the process, regardless of the outcome. I learned how to take cues from other people but think on my own, both creatively and strategically. I learned how to cope with failure and turn it into a lesson. I learned that true victory stems from hard work and persistence. And I learned that the strongest and most meaningful relationships are not based on indulgence but on honesty and respect.

This doesn’t mean that losses don’t sting. I was devastated when my hockey team lost the championship game by only one goal when I was the last one to control the puck. But I was still incredibly proud of my team’s cohesiveness, the fluid effort we put into the season, and my own contribution. More importantly, the camaraderie and support of my teammates is ongoing and something I will always cherish more than a win. I didn’t dwell over what could have been. Instead, I focused on what I was going to take with me into the next season.

This past summer, I had my first substantive work experience interning at the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, researching and writing about treatments and therapies. Working there was certainly not a game, but my strategy was the same: work hard, remain focused, be mindful and respectful of those around me, deal with the inevitable curveballs, and take constructive criticism to heart, all in pursuit of a meaningful goal. At first, I found it intimidating, but I quickly found my footing. I worked hard, knowing that what I took away from the experience would be measured by what I put into it. I studied my co-workers: how they conducted themselves, how they interacted with each other, and how they approached their respective jobs. I carefully reviewed redlines on my writing assignments, tried not to get discouraged, and responded to the comments to present the material more effectively. I absorbed the stories relayed by Parkinson’s patients regarding their struggles and was amazed at how empowered they felt by their participation in clinical trials. Through them, I discovered what it really means to fight to win. I have also come to understand that sometimes a game never ends but transforms, causing goals to shift that may require an adjustment in strategy.

My mother and I still regularly play games, and we play to win. However, the match is now more balanced and I’ve noticed my mother paying much more attention to my moves and habits and even learning a few things from me.

 


 

江博留学文书专家解析

文书亮点:

  •  层次清晰明了,句与句之间,段与段之间结合紧凑,流畅度高

  •  全文贯穿具体事例,引人入且有说服力

 

全面解析:

 

 

1

文章

  开头 

以“It was a shocking experience.” 诙谐风趣地引领读者进入作者与母亲棋艺悬殊的  对决。紧接着在详细描述自己领地如何被母亲无情地吞并之后阐明了本文的核心: “I  remember clearly the pain I felt from losing, but I remained eager to play and  determined to one day beat her.” - 藉由简练的一句话向读者宣布作者自孩童时(5  岁)就已表现出对待事物积极且不甘失败的态度,这种态度贯穿全文。

 

2

第一段

末尾

“I felt an overwhelming sense of pride, which was only magnified when I saw the same emotion in my mother’s face.”与第二段首 “I learned so much from these games beyond the obvious. I learned how to lose, and win, graciously.” 相呼应,体现了作者不仅在与母亲下棋过程中提升了棋艺,同时个人对成败的认知也得到了升华 - 不再过分看重成败,而是注重享受过程。

 

 

 

 

 

3

重点

描述

 从 “The Princess”, “The Regular”, “The Deluxe”, 最后到 “Rummikub”    - 作者详述了与母亲漫长的棋艺对决,并从中不断学习吸取教训,于失败中磨合总结出对策,最终战胜了母亲。随后作者还将在下棋中学会的制胜理念-耐心观察学习对手,灵活根据对手策略及时拿出应对策略:“ I studied my co-workers: how they conducted themselves, how they interacted with each other, and how they approached their respective jobs...” - 藉由具体事例也刷新了作者对目标与过程的认识“...sometimes a game never ends but transforms, causing goals to shift that may require an adjustment in strategy.” - 因为目标随时可能变化,所以要达成目标必须把控过程。

4

结尾

新颖

  - 于其赘述核心内容,作者用 “...my mother paying much more attention to my  moves and habits and even learning a few things from me.” 来肯定自己的勤奋 与坚持才是制胜的关键。

 

 


 

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END

为了帮助更多的同学进入美国名校,7月13日下午14点江博留学将在中关村威地科技大厦举办2019美国名校申请暨标化规划会,详情如下

 

 

 

 

讲座活动公告


2019美国名校申请暨标化规划会

 


时间:2019年7月13日14:00-16:00

地点:中关村南大街甲8号威地科技大厦2层江博教育10教


美本申请的4大误区

 

误区1:重视标化成绩,忽视在校成绩

误区2:担心活动过多

误区3:学校和专业选择上的误区

误区4:与学校升学指导老师的沟通不足

 

最新申请审核趋势分析

标化考试培训准备与冲刺

高考后留学方案剖析



适应人群:新高一、新高二出国党

 

 

 

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